College Visit Survival Tips - for Parents!
Some years before becoming a consultant, I planned a trip with my eldest to visit colleges. I had an ambitious itinerary – three states, four days, seven schools! I pictured leafy strolls, Eureka moments of insight and quality mother-daughter bonding at a time when her days at home were numbered.
Reality hit at the first stop. My daughter melted with embarrassment any time I asked a question and made a beeline to the car the second the tour was over. She crashed at night, exhausted, too overwhelmed to share any impressions. By the time we reached our last college (true story), she’d broken out in a rash from head to toe. Dozens of brochures, several blisters and one epic argument later, we returned home seemingly more confused than ever.
In the end, it all worked out. With time and distance, she was able to digest more of what she’d seen and learned. By application season, those impressions had gelled into some clear preferences. The visits were especially valuable once she had admissions offers in hand and was able to make an informed choice in a short timeframe.
College visits are a valuable part of the college search process. But they also stir up a potent brew of emotion and anxiety for both parents and students. Managing your expectations and your itinerary can help you better navigate the experience and make visits more productive for you and your child.
Take it slow
As tempting as it is to see every college within a 3-hour radius, an overpacked itinerary can lead to exhaustion and overwhelm. One or two colleges a day is more realistic. Give yourselves time to spend time on campus or in the surrounding neighborhood.
But also, go with what feels right for your kiddo. Yes, I know I was supposed to take time to pursue the library and eat in the dining hall (advice I give clients all the time) but there was no way my daughter was going to be seen on campus with me one moment more than she had to! Some kids may want to spend hours on campus, while others may need to unwind by the hotel pool. It’s okay.
Pro tip: If you can, build a non-college related activity into the itinerary: a visit with friends, a beach day, catching a game or a Broadway show, that can enable everyone to relax and recharge.
Remember – this is all new to them.
Whereas we adults may see obvious differences between, say, that huge public university and the small, liberal arts college, your teen is experiencing this all for the first time. The information they get can feel repetitive (“We have more than 200 student clubs!) or lacking in context for a high school student (“We’re a top producer of Fulbright scholars!). Be patient if, at first, they can’t make heads or tails of it. They’ll understand more as the process goes on.
Engage with their priorities
While you’re swooning over the new science building and the Fortune 500 co-op opportunities, they may be focused on the presence of Greek Life and big-time athletics. Don’t be surprised if your priorities are different. After all, you’re at different life stages. Both perspectives are important to college fit.
Even if it seems trivial, engage your child on whatever sparks their interest. This helps reinforce that this is THEIR journey. And it can be a way to get them to open up and start talking. Meeting them where they’re at builds trust, and will ultimately make them more open to your insights as well.
Don’t take things personally
Be prepared for big emotions. You’re likely wondering if this is a place worthy of spending your life’s savings – to say nothing of entrusting the care of your beloved child.
Meanwhile, your teenager has their own worries: “Will this school accept me?” and “Would I fit in here if they do?” Also, “Will I ever actually be able to cook and do my own laundry?” Fear and possibility of rejection make some kids hesitant to engage.
Don’t take it personally if your kiddo is sullen or prone to argument. And give yourself a little grace too – facing up to this new chapter is also hard on parents.
Leave your teen time to marinate …Some kids need time to process and assimilate their experiences. Their feelings might develop over time.
… but don’t be discouraged if they rush to judgement. Others have a gut sense whether a place is a good fit. What feels like rejecting something out of hand could actually just mean your kid has a good internal barometer for what’s going to be a good fit for them.
Provide perspective
It’s easy for kids to get caught up in the competition for bragging rights or quest for the “dream school.” Help your kiddo keep it all in perspective. Remind them that the role of college is to help them learn, grow and develop – not to judge their worth as a human being. The traits that make them special will help them wherever they go to college (and in their life beyond.).
And no matter how much the beautiful architecture and ivy-covered walls of that one exceedingly rejective school might entice both of you, remember there is no such thing as THE perfect college. Encourage your kiddo to use college visits to gain insight into what’s important to them, rather than get singularly attached to any one school.
Need help deciding WHEN to start visiting colleges? We have a blog for that too!
